Random Rant No. 1

“Please don’t be in love with someone else, Please don’t have somebody waiting on you..” A line I borrowed from Taylor Swift’s “Enchanted”.

I once came to a point thinking that if one person is meant for you, By all means you two will be. Serendipity. I came to realize that there’s no reason to rush things. There is even a saying that good things are for those who wait. I don’t know if it’s just me or if it is normal to see someone from day one and then feel that the person will soon be yours. I didn’t make sense, did I?

Well, all I’m saying is that.. I couldn’t take any more of a risk when it comes to love. I mean, we’re not getting any younger to play around. I had my eye on this someone and I will make my stare stay at him for as long as I could. YES. I will wait for that very moment when the two of us could be together at liberty, with no holds barred. 

Cheater.

We’ve all heard of stories about third parties. It could be in movies or unfortunately for some, in real life. Some turned out how we would want them to be, which is, for the original two to come back together. Well, some haven’t had the best directors and playwright in town for their stories to become what it’s supposed to be, or rather what the wife wants the story to be. Yes I was talking about a couple with a mistress attached to the husband’s skull-shaped belt chain.

I guess people watching across the silver screen; aside from being hooked up and carried away by every scene in the movie doesn’t really have an idea on what it’s like to be the wife. Except when she already experienced it. Well, I’m not really telling that it’s only the guy who gets the role to fool around; men and women have equal possibilities and probabilities to be the “cheating” one. So when people stereotype men to be unfaithful, I don’t really get the point of agreeing instantaneously because women tends to do it also. All my point is that people are all UNPREDICTABLE. There’s no label to a man that all of them are infidel, and so is to women.  

If this blog has gone public, maybe one reader would ask, “Where are all these coming from?” And yes, that I would definitely answer. I have just watched the movie, “No Other Woman”.  I know not all would blog about the movie, Well let’s say that I was one of those who were actually caught by each and every scene. I am hearing a joke about girls wanting to see the movie with their boyfriends, and the guys would tell their girls, “Oh, so.. You really wanna see the movie, huh? Why don’t I just cheat on you, and then I would introduce the girl to you. What do you say? That would be way better than watching this film in 3D.” Haha! No, No, No!  :D

Speak Now

When Taylor Swift first came out in the music industry, I wasn’t right away amused with her music. Compared to other musicians, I find her not included in my top lists. Until she released her latest album, “Speak Now” I know this is way too late to write for an album review but I just really had to. Why? Because I’ve seen myself in this album, I’ve heard myself saying the same lyrics, some are even hard to put into words but then came a song from this album, and it totally speaks for what happened. She has her way of telling stories that makes it exceptional for our hearing.  I made a review on some of the songs there, mostly I can totally relate:

1.   1.   Mine – From what I catch on Tay’s point of view, Mine is a song about having to choose between running away from love and taking a risk on it. “I was a flight risk, with a fear of falling.” Everyone has their inhibitions and their own ways of avoidance even when love is already in your face. But you can’t really tell what’s waiting for you if you wouldn’t give it a try, right?

2.   2.   Sparks Fly – “My mind forgets to remind me, you’re a bad idea” I think this song pertains to falling for the person you aren’t supposed to fall for. We can’t really choose who we’re gonna fall in love into, and most of the time, the more we try to stay away from that person, the more we find ourselves being attached. “I’m on my guard for the rest of the world but with you, I know it’s no good.”

3.   3.   Speak Now – The first time I heard this on the radio, I thought she just tells in the lyrics about professing your love to someone, but when I started listening, Speak Now tells us to confess our love regardless of time and space. Because in love there is no late and early, only the TRUTH. Even if it takes a wedding ceremony crowd as an audience for your speech.

4.   4.   Back To December – We always have that scenario when we took certain things for granted. Be it in life, opportunities or love. I particularly can’t deny that I once came to a point in my life that I overlooked things and persons. Realizing what their worth only when they are already out of my life. Unfortunately, you can’t always have them back the way you want them to. “I’d go back in time and change it, but I can’t.”

5.   5.   The Story Of Us – Of all the songs in this album, this is the one that is most played in my iPod. Maybe because this is the song which I can mostly relate to. We always have that person that we can’t take away the ‘awkwardness’ away from them whenever we see them. You’re dying to talk to them but don’t know if they feel the same way so you just sat there across them looking like a total weirdo, pretending to answer an imaginary phone call. “This is looking like a contest of who can act like they care LESS.”

6.   6.   Last Kiss – I have been through a really rough break up recently. During that time this song has spoken perfectly for me for the time I was so sad to even talk about what I was feeling. That feeling of having some of his belongings left in your keeping and all you do is to stare at them, cry and even wish for them to talk back at you. Even the littlest object reminds you of a certain incident of you together. Your nightmare of having the person you have never pictured of to be apart from you comes to life right at your face. A line there that caught me most is, “So I’ll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep, And I feel you’ll forget me like I used to feel you breathe.” Social networks now play a vital role in our generation. Un-friending a person is the best way to move on for some persons. I admit that I did the same in one of my exes, and still check on his profile just to know what he’s up to from time to time even if it’s torture on my part. You can’t just ‘program’ your brain to start ‘not to care’ instantly. It would take a VERRYYY long process.

To Forgiveness

It's been five months since I have been with my last boyfriend. And the breakup was awful. After having an exchange of curses and hurtful words, we haven't heard from each other since. I never thought that I will have a chance to communicate with him again. Until..

Last month, September, my midnight was interrupted with a buzz from Yahoo Messenger. I myself was lazy enough to close the media player I was watching. Alright, I'll just see whoever that person is, what his problem in the midst of 1 am and then eventually continue with my movie. But all of those were ignored upon seeing in the screen of whom the buzz from my contacts was from. Then I realized it was accompanied by a, "Can I talk to you?" message. I had a mini heart attack once I laid eyes on the name. It was from him. the one who successfully broke my heart, crashed it to pieces and then fed it to stray dogs. that moment I literally froze. I don't know what to do. I found my fingers typing across the keyboard of my laptop the words, "About what?"  the moment I send those words I had a battle with my head, a part of me shouted that "You should have never replied! you should have let him waiting for nothing, you should have disappointed him for not responding!" But a part of me wants to know what he's about to say. So as I waited for his reply, I repeatedly hoped this to be THE right decision. Once again I scolded myself for being impulsive and not thinking things through before acting on them. 

As what I have thought, he asked for my forgiveness of what happened between us. He said he may have been a dick for what he did, but he's sorry now and was so guilty of what happened.

The evil ego inside me thought: I could have my revenge. I could play a game with him. I can do exactly what he did to me -- Make him fall for me again, lead him on, Then just leave him... EFFORTLESSLY. 


But I fought those thoughts away from me. Instantly, I replied with a, "All of that was forgotten. Even the BITCH forgives. Don't worry." WHAT THE HELL? And then we chatted for a while about what I was up to, the conversation was mostly about me because he's the only one who's asking, all my replies were mostly just, "yes", "no", "haha", "really?" I felt in his every message that he throws 'signals' to reconcile with me. But, of course I ignored them. And then we bid our good nights. But I didn't sleep yet, I thought of our conversation. 

Surely my friends won't approve of my rection from his sorry, one of them would tell me that I shouldn't have forgiven him. That I should make him suffer, in equal to what he did to me. One would even scold me of being shallow, and then would tell me if ever I forgot whom I just had a conversation with, and then he would remind me how awful a person he was. But my reply would be simple: I don't want to sound bitter around him. I don't want him to think that I never got over him. That He never left his space in my heart. TRUTH BE TOLD, I was so much better. I can't picture him included in my life anymore. And I'm okay now, I'm so much better without him. Actually I am thankful that we broke up. Because of that, my outlook in life changed and I can look forward to new beginnings ahead of me.

Close Enough.

My high school love and I never worked out. Well, only for me, right now he’s still on the verge of waiting if ever I would want to reconcile back at him. But I can’t see the point of getting back together and primarily I was damaged from my past relationship so having another is definitely out of my mind right now.

Whenever we talk it would be always about him, that he prefers coffee over shopping, what his habits, his taste in music, how busy he was back at school, How he was in a rush to finish his design (he’s an ECE Engineering student), How close he was to tears because he’s not finished yet! Blah blah blah. I have heard enough of this. Even in the courting stage he would nag me about all these? I am not the perfect girlfriend-to-be for him but at least anyone would think that what he was doing was strange, right? He doesn’t even look like he’s courting me. And then a certain “hunch” came along, I began to see that what I left in high school was still this same man. He never grew in such way that I can say that he’s good enough to be given another chance for, and that being single was still a good idea.

I admit, at first I was close enough to giving him another shot. I even let him take me out to dinner and movies once. And then it happened.

There were NO sparks. None. At. All. He treated me as a princess as he always do back in our times but I wasn’t able to see anything special about it. I was even bored that I was close to making him skip our dinner so we can finally go home, I should have been playing Sims and eating popcorn now, Wayyyy better than this. But I managed being nice to him throughout the night so we ate. He was even generous enough to give me a teddy bear. Yes. That was so High School. Our way home was awkward, but we were able to talk about important things like where the hell the camera button in his phone was.  I told you, awkward. Good thing the traffic participated and became so good to me. In no time we were on our street already. Giving him a kiss on the cheek was the least I can do so I looked that I enjoyed the night. I tossed the teddy bear in my bed, landing on the floor. I stared at it, reading “Listen to my heart, It says I LOVE YOU!” printed in it’s shirt. Am I so rude?

And then my phone rang, Not even seeing who the call was from, I knew exactly who’s on the other line. If it wasn't Globe Services miraculously calling, who else could it be. The person on the other line was so excited! He would like to know If ever I was home safe, If I ate already, If I already saw the bear he gave. At the back of my mind I would like to shout back at him, “Hello? You sent me home of course I was safe enough, And yeah, I already saw it’s silly shirt.” But I gave my best to sound as excited as his voice so I complimented the bear, how cute it was and I thanked him for the night. Finally there were no more excitement that he could share so we hanged up, I told him I was sleepy but honestly I was running to my room so that I could finally play Sims.

First

He was my first guy friend, my first text-mate-until-dawn-classmate. The first one responsible for the doodle hearts in the back pages of my Algebra notebook. The first to know what my locker combination key in high school was. The first to whom I was being matched to during spin-the-bottle games. the first one who is allowed to fetch me from my house and walk me home, he was my first date, my first heart break, first break-up, HE was, MY FIRST BOYFRIEND.

To you may be having a boyfriend at an early age of fourteen is kinda too forward. Yeah, I was then. All Taylor’s words and lyrics in her song “fifteen” was all I had to say, only a year younger. I don’t know what I felt then. All I know is that he’s the one. The one I was going to marry. The one I will grow old with. I met his family, his friends, his old friends, even his exes. I made an enemy from one of them actually. We were the type of the couple that the “whole” campus has heard of. He was the heartthrob, I was the fortunate one. But I didn’t care. He was always a candidate for pageants; I was always there in the crowd cheering at the top of my lungs for him. Girls envy me, wished they could be me because of that gorgeous boy. I began walking proud, knowing I have this boy walking with me side-by-side. And then we got matured.

We’ve been together for nearly three years. Two years and seven months to be exact. Obstacles came here and there, people became involved and problems arose from almost everywhere. We began losing our grip. But he didn’t give up; I was the one who did. We ended that precious relationship after our graduation, I was harsh, I know. I was sixteen then. He was respectful enough to ask for one last hug. I gave it to him. But I was the one crying, I was stupid letting him go. After that we became friends, but we haven’t seen each other since. He had another’s company and I had mine. All that was left of our love story were the ones written in my diary, when I had the time, I flip through the pages and read how head-over-heels I was with him, picturing how a certain day went, trying to imagine that old feeling I get every time I was around him. Those memories came rushing once I open that book.  The innocence and the thrill. I miss it.

It’s been four years since I last heard of him. And now, he’s back.

The One That Got Away

Out of nowhere, my senses told me to go check your twitter account, and there I laid my eyes on your posts which were straightforward, pertaining to me. I broke your heart, I know. And I did it again. Now we are hardly friends when back then, we were so close together. I don’t want to sound naive, but from what I’m showing, I always come back to you every time I end my relationship with another. The last time, you were thoughtful enough to accept my presence. But now, I can’t even feel you. I am guilty of what I did, pushing you aside whenever I “meet” other person. I always had in my mind that whenever I need someone to back me up you will always be there. But no. Not this time. I had my chances and they were all used up. I threw them out like I’m an insensitive bitch.

I remember how we sneak out from our classes just because we find the professors or the subjects boring and then we’d hit the cafe after. There, we’ll just talk about anything and everything there is to say. I remember you telling me I was “trustworthy” of people’s secrets when I rant about how come people tell me their secrets because I find it hard to have a burden inside me with things I can’t tell to anyone. When after my duties at hospital, you make it a point that we’ll meet once I arrive. I miss when people see us together, with their eyes studying us, we can see their faces questioning if we are together. We’ll just smile with the thought of it. I miss every time you sing to me. I miss your voice, your laugh. The way you talk, the way WE talk.

Something inside me says it misses you. And I don’t even doubt it. Because I really do. I just want it back the way it used to be. I may have hurt you but all that were being apologized for. I’m not asking for you to be with me. I just want my friend inside you to return. I’m in need of that right now. Though you ignore me every time I make a move, I will always be here trying. Please don’t let everything we’ve been through to be vanished in just a snap. We can’t deny it, I was once yours, and you were once MINE :(

Homebody

Earlier I met up with my college friends. Surprisingly, I missed them. Considering we were always together bunched up during school days. But this time it was different, we moved, talked and looked different. Every second surprised me about how mature we had been. We talked about our plans for future, where we will work and how we will spend the two months of waiting for the board exam results.

Honestly, I don’t have any future plans as of now. Frankly, it scares me. My friends have countless plans for the next days, weeks. And there I was seated silently hearing them talk. One has a plan to go out of country to have a job there, the other one plans to apply for work.

My dad wants me to continue medicine. But I think that would be a loooong process. I have to study for 6 years more before I could land a job. That’s too long for me. I want to earn my own money as soon as possible. But thinking of it, my dad was supposed to graduate as a doctor, but he didn’t continue it because he didn’t really liked what his father had chosen for him. Instead, he graduated only his pre-med and didn't use it as his job. And now, he wants me to continue his career.but I don’t think it will work out. Besides, I still wait for the results of the board exam before I make plans, just to ‘make sure’. All these boredom kills me. I’m thinking of being productive for once but I got nothing. For the mean time, my friend asked me to join workshop for modelling but I don’t think I have the guts to get in to that type of work. Maybe I’ll just finish all the pending movies in my list. And just avoid being a couch potato in the house :D

"It's alright, It's okay...

It’s so much better without you..” - goes Ashley Tishdale with one of her songs.

It’s funny how I associated this song back then with my past ex-boyfriend. Now, here I am singing this song over and over again inside my head with the recent one. The last weeks were hell for me. There were so much revelations, controversies and LIES. Too much for me to handle. I never thought that I will get over everything in a span of two weeks all in all. Well, I’m not really over it. My friends contributed a lot in my grieving process, Without them, I would definitely lose my mind.

I decided to not have a connection with him anymore, I realized that I really have no more reason to, I'll just make myself sick of what I will find out. I know I can get through this, I wake up everyday with less pain and anger, I know this is a good start.

Most of the time, I think about what happened to me as a lesson. Maybe God has better plans for me, and maybe, He made me see what I really had to see. Something between the lines of fate and destiny which I had never laid my eyes on. And MAYBE, our relationship is not really meant to last because SOMEONE has got to step in, making me realize why it never worked out with anyone else :)

RETURN TO SENDER

I was the one who broke up with him; I was the one who felt guilty afterwards. Even a time came that I can’t even focus on my NLE Review because of what happened. I thought of letting go the one who called me as his “princess” was never a good idea after all. I cried all night, I cried while listening to every lecturer. I cried even with just a touch in my shoulder, accompanying a: “Kim, are you okay?” question. I cried as I drive myself home, with lonely songs in the background. I didn’t care who will see me and how they will react. I couldn’t help it.

And then something happened that changed everything. Someone told me everything, and by everything I meant the LIES, CHEATING and CONTROVERSIES. It left me cold and broken. That was the time when I thought to myself that, “hey, you've been cheated.. AGAIN.” I was so mad about what happened, I was so mad at him. He made me do some things that I never thought for a life time that I have the ability of doing. Yes, I loved him. But he did not deserve that love after all. I sucked. Big time. I don’t blame him for everything that happened, It was my fault for believing every word he said. Well scratch that, I blame him. ENTIRELY. why this is happening to me is all because of his deceiving words and actions. He made me believe that I am the only one, not a second choice. Now I was the one paying the price, cleaning every mess he left for me. Clearing my name.

I decided to let EVERYTHING go. One night I gathered all the things he gave to me. I put them inside a big box. I had to buy a new one because this one isn’t enough to hold all these things he gave me. I need to give them back to him. I need MY peace of mind. I knew that every time I’ll lay hands on them, I will definitely think about him. What’s in the box are as follows:

1.       T-shirts - he gave these on my birthday, we shopped while carrying a cake and flowers, making everyone turn their heads.

2.       His prep I.D. – he gave this to me and asked me to keep it, he looked like a ceramic doll in his picture though.

3.       Box of cute pencils – he knew my favourite color is pink. Those are cute pencils, I never used them.

4.       Notebooks – the one has a donut and candies picture in the cover and the other has a picture of a boy sailing. He told me, “I picked this notebook for you to remind you of how I looked like when I was young.”

5.       Happy Meal Toys – Every time we ate at McDonalds.

6.       A pair of shades – this, he left at the car, It took me this long to return it to him.

7.       Roses

8.       Bracelets – he gave me these when he went to Bohol, they’re so cute it made me want to hold on to them. But No, they have to be returned.

9.       Two empty tumblers of Starbucks Coffee with our names on it – He told me to keep them for no apparent reason.

10.   His lame drawing of me and his sickening handwriting

11.   Ring 

12.   Others – like receipts from restaurants, cinema tickets, and love notes.

BOX HALF FULL

 Once I return this, I knew that gradually, I will be okay. Wish me luck.

Last Love Letter

DEAR: YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE,

You have no idea how much I miss you. I know you might not feel the same way. Well, I DON’T CARE. I know I was the reason we have come to this, and I don’t really have the right to ask for anything from you in return. I was stupid letting you go, I realized what I had to lose the moment we parted ways, Now there is nothing to do but to deal with it. You were my very first “real one”. I have done so many wrongs and I understand if you don’t want to talk anymore.

You were the one who brought out the best in me. The one who pushed me into doing good but knows how and when to have fun when the situation calls for it. The one who changed my point of view on the subject of destiny. :) I’ll miss your face with a silly smile on it, how you’ll laugh at how my face looked like after you teased me about almost everything. I’ll miss how you would react and pretend to laugh when I deliver a joke wrong and how I would punch you in the face after. Everywhere I look reminds me of you, every song I hear; there is an association with you. I have never felt this way before. I know this will be hard, but in time I may have to overtake this chapter in my life.

Don’t worry about me; I have my friends and family with me to keep me sane. And you know who else is? My mom. She’s been with me these past few days, being supportive and all. She made me understand LOVE: how it works, and how it is supposed to be. I am thankful she's always here. Looking back, I realized how stubborn I was with you, especially our last days together. For there is no one compared to you, you were like my best friend and my brother. You’ve taught me so much.. about life, family and just about everything. I can only be myself with you. I knew I can because you accept me. The times I was immature, you understood me. You were there when I needed you. I’ll miss those happy days with you, they will be forever in my memory.

I hate writing everything in “past tense”, but I guess that’s just how it is, I am still in the Denial stage now, there's still four stages I have to go through, but this was all my fault, I started all this. Now I have to face it. Just like what you said, "there are consequences in every decision we make." I think I'll just have to concentrate on my studies just like what mom told me. I hope I’ll hear from you soon, there will be no one who could always make me laugh like you did :(

-KIM

Digging Out Something From Memory

Since the news broke off about Friendster being shut down 31st of May, I checked on my account for the last time thinking I could save all my pictures I had from there since most of them had been deleted from my computer back-up. I was surprised finding myself to be smiling at most time by just merely browsing through my sets of albums there, surely I missed using Friendster. And there, it was all documented in pictures from the time I got my first camera phone to the extent of the downhill of Friendster popularity.

I could not believe I am blogging about Friendster now! Haha! But there’s no harm in doing so, right? After all, as I posted to my other site, Friendster was my first love when it comes to social network. If it weren’t because of Friendster, I would not have gotten hundreds of friends whom like, one third of it, I didn’t know. If it weren’t because of Friendster, I would not have learned the basics of html which later on helped me a lot in college because of my mastery in it.

As I scanned through my messages in my inbox there, something caught my eye. It was a message from a familiar face, a face I never get to see in such a long time. It was from Ven. Opening the message gave me goose bumps and a tiny heart attack. Okay, that was exaggerated. So, I opened it. It was sent two years ago, here it is..

He was about to transfer to another school then, this was sent right after my debutante ball, and we all knew that he was my escort. I remember receiving this, I literally, cried river. I could not fathom that he will leave me, after saying these things to me, things I’d like to hear since like, forever. But then he was not transferred. He chose to stay. But still, our happy ending never came.

I know we are not in good terms now, I tried to reconcile things but it seemed so hard if one party is the only one trying. It hurts me to see that we are separated from each other’s lives now, getting farther each day. I do not hope for us to be together anymore, all I want is to get him back – as a friend. Is that too much to ask?

I miss you, Ven. If you only knew. :(

Come Back Home.

I honestly don’t want being surrounded by lovers now. I get intimidated by them, Not because I don’t have someone whom I can call “mine”, I just don’t want to see anyone in front of me 

holding their hands, making cute faces to each other and definitely, kissing.

I have been with my boyfriend for months now. The chapters took place in a steady manner: we fought, we made up and the cycle goes on... we got even close to breaking up. But in every fight, we learned things, things that mature couple gain knowledge of.  At first I thought I was just attracted to him, to the way he makes me laugh, our long talks, the way he sings to me even when I am aready sleepy :) and the way he surprises me in every way possible. But as I get to be with him, I studied my emotions, and if ever I am just attracted (not inlove) with him, I have to get out of our relationship as soon as possible so that I would not have to hurt him more. I realized that I truly and deeply fell inlove with him from day one.  And I have not been blogging about us for months, and what I regretted is how stupid of me not to blog about the “good parts” and now here I am blaming my lazy-procrastinating-self with this situation.

I don’t know how to start, what to write and how this blog entry will go, I just can’t handle this feeling inside of me that is about to come out.. YES, I just miss him. This happens to me when I don’t get what I want, I rant about it. Maybe because I was raised this way, and I don’t want to wait. Waiting is unnerving. We haven’t been seeing each other for days now because he’s out of town and there’s nothing I can do with it but to wait for him to return. I can’t wait to see his face with a silly smile on it and I want to hear him laugh at how my face looked like after he tease me about almost everything. I miss how he asks me if it is okay if he wear slippers when we have somewhere to go to and how he looks when we already meet. I miss how he would hold my hand and hugs me even in public. I miss how he would react and pretend to laugh when I deliver a joke wrong and how I would punch him in the face after.

And so this blog entry was born :)

Coming Out

What I like about him is that, when he says he will do something, he truly will. Even if it takes all of his courage and effort summed up together. He never told me anything that he would not do. He keeps his promises and he says only the truth. Our love being secret is quite a profound state, knowing to ourselves that the more we keep it, the greater we would want to let loose it from within us. Coming all out in the open released our inhibitions and made us closer to each other. :)

Now that people know that US, being together exist, we are at liberty to face the world hand-in-hand, not caring if any person would see us in doing so.

Myself, being not in a relationship for quite some time never looked like this before. I know I’ve been with certain guys but me being with him is different. I feel like we’ve been friends for quite some time and then in some point, we’re just been acquainted by destiny to be with each other. I am myself whenever I’m with him, unlike with my previous relationships, that I barricade what I really feel, what I would really like to say, and what I would want to do. I don’t even care about how I look whenever I’m with him. I know I easily got used being with him like we’ve been together for months now, but there’s still more that I want to know from him.  I don’t get tired listening to his stories about his life and dreams. Especially when he includes me in it. ;)

I Didn’t Know I Was Looking For Love

Do you ever feel like someone, out there has been destined to you? That eventually the two of you will meet at crossroads and then just at that moment that you will realize that both of you belongs to each other? Do you believe that at some point in life, without doing anything, you will meet your one true love, the one that is your soul mate and then live happily ever after? That you two are destined to be together?

I don’t.

I personally don’t believe in destiny. I believe in effort. That if you just stand there and then wait for a knight in shining armor to rescue you away from distress, you will just bulge your eyeballs out from waiting. For me, finding the so called, “perfect one” needs hard work. I mean, if you’re just at home watching TV and eating ice cream won’t let you get any. Who knows, someone out there, is waiting for you. Frantic to meet you. But then you were too busy to finish the season 1 series of Vampire Diaries, so the two of you never meet up. Ever. So my point is, you have to get out more, do something outside more, and spend nights out more to find your guy. And not doing those will not give you any. That WAS my belief.

And then I met him. The one I never thought I wouldn’t last a day without. The one who will bring out the best in me. The one who will push me into doing good but knows how and when to have fun when the situation calls for it. The one who will boost your confidence against the unknown in the wee hours of the night to get downstairs to get yourself something to eat. The one who changed my point of view on the subject of destiny. :)

At first I never thought that we would come to this. Back then, I just saw him as my schoolmate, a friend’s brother, and something else. Something that is embarrassing.  I myself had reconsidered it twenty times if I really had to put that thought here. But I have decided that I am not ready yet to put them into words, nor I’m not promising that eventually I will write up about it. But I’m telling you that he’s not some guy that was just released from prison or got involved in a gang rape or something else like that! Haha :D he’s a good guy. He’s the one you can count on everything and is worthy of your trust. I can say that every minute I spend with him, I feel that I am protected from harm.

Everything just feels right around him. He may be a pain in the ass at times, but I sure can’t end the day without hearing something from him. He made it certain that I will look for his presence from time to time. How he’s doing it, I do not know, but he’s doing it well. I know that I told myself that I should not commit to a relationship now, but I think there’s no harm in trying, and that I see him as a “keeper”. These butterflies in my stomach were the ones he left to me since day one. Now, let us see where these annoying creatures will take us. I found him when I didn’t know that I was looking for love. Maybe all of these happened for a reason. And hey, maybe all this time, I do believe in destiny after all. :)

Run.

All my friends know that I had just got out from a bad relationship. One that is really bad. So bad that putting them into writing just hurts my fingertips in doing so. So after that I promised myself to just take time off. To just enjoy my friends and family’s company, and most of all, to enjoy myself. The thing about the words ME and PROMISE put together? They just don’t chase. I was terrible. I couldn’t keep promises even to just myself.

And so as everyone is having their daily dose of ordinariness in their lives, I met someone. Well, not really, because I have already known him from my high school. We were on vacation then and he substituted for his brother who will not be able to join. Our vacation lasted for 3 days and that is a hell lot of fun. Considering that friends are reunited and the nature is closer to us than before. A remarkable way to start the year, right?

At each day, we got closer and friends notice. But I myself didn’t pay attention and that I did not see anything special about it. After the vacation we got the chance to know each other, phone calls came here and there. And then I got used to it. I got used to him being always there. And so is he. But this has got to stop. There are matters that are more important than this that I could not say for now. And it involves me, him and someone else.  I knew that this is wrong, but I couldn’t stay away anymore. I knew that it had to be stopped, but I just couldn’t let go what has been here just like that. I knew that in the first place, I had to run. But I found my feet sucked on the ground, sinking as seconds pass.

It sucks that one day after another; I’m finding myself reliant to him. Every day I look forward to answering his calls and eventually, seeing him again. What sucks more is that I have a reason to let go from the beginning but I have disregarded it. It sucks that I can’t even keep my promise. And you know what else sucks? I fell in love with him.