License to Drama

Day I’m writing about: the evening after the “meet-up”

Random people ask, “How do you know when you’re in love?” We get the usual response, like; you are in love when you think about that person every now and then and when your day is not complete without him in it, or without seeing him.  You are in love when you cannot sleep soundly anymore at night, imagining things you do with him while you lull yourself to sleep – hoping that will send you to sleep? Sure we know that’s not going to work, right? And then, you’ll finally be able to sleep but then the moment you wake up, there you are again, thinking of THAT person. Years ago I read from reader’s digest that you can differentiate Love from crush when you think about the person and after four months, you still feel the same way with him. Do you believe it?

Love is a very powerful word.

Love Kills. If you do not know how to handle it, it might harm you.

I got home. I’ve seen the usual; my dog welcoming me at the front porch as usual, Mom saying “Hi” as she watched TV in the living room, dinner is served at the dining table and my sister with her laptop. Everything felt normal. Well, not EVERYTHING.

I climbed the stairs up to my room and locked the door. I turned on the TV as I changed clothes. I was about to go out as I remembered a particular scene. A scene earlier that day. It was so vivid I could swear it was afternoon again. And then I saw him, I saw US. I told him I don’t want to talk to him anymore, and him? I could not fathom his face. Sad? Angry? Or maybe worried?  One thing I remembered for sure, I sent him away. I told him not to come back. Not again.

Then came a familiar feeling, but now I cannot suppress it anymore. I felt a knot in my throat, getting bigger as the seconds passed. I felt my face became warm and flushed. That’s when I realized I was crying. I locked the door again and I jumped to my bed, letting my face crash on the pillow. I can’t fight back the tears; they are streaming down my face like that of a faucet. I admit it. I was hurt. My decision I gave to him? That’s not what I really wanted. I still LOVE him. I remembered myself pulling my hand away as he tried to hold it, Am I really that hard? My friend once told me that I was good at fighting emotions. I didn’t get her that time but now I can see it. I really am. And I don’t even know if that’s a good thing or not.

In the middle of my anarchy, I received a message from a familiar number. I knew already it was him. He texted, “This is so hard, why do we have to separate? It’s hard for me because I do not know what to do and where to get started. I know I said that it’s alright for me to get hurt. Its okay, you don’t have to reply to this message, I know I will someday move on.” It made me think that it’s not only me who’s uncomfortable that night.

I fought myself not to reply to his message and yes, I made it through the night without responding to him. I just told myself that all I’m doing is also for my own good. I don’t want to get hurt again so it will all pay out in the end.

And finally I fell asleep.