Impasse

I ended things with C. We agreed to meet at school after exams. I came first to our agreed place with my friends. I was so nervous that I had flight of thoughts about the upcoming meet up. He was so late, because he’s at practice that time. good thing I was with my friends then that I was kept amused by them. But my heart wasn’t. It beated so loud I can feel my pulse in my ears. I thought I would be deaf.

And then he came. The face I never thought I would see again. The face I never thought I would stare at again. I studied him. He changed a lot, physically. even he admitted it. And then I studied myself. The pulse. It was gone! Not that I am dead though, because if that is so, you wouldn’t be reading this blog entry by now. ;) I mean the pulse slowed and became nonviolent, serene. And seeing him was the reason behind that?

My friends left the table and transferred somewhere else, but not too far. They made sure that we are in their field of vision. This made things awkward, knowing they are just tables away from me and that I knew they will be reading my lips in hopes of gathering what already the subject matter is about. I knew that they will be good at it.

He sat across me, calculated my eyes as I stare at him. First thing he did? He smiled. Just smiled. Like that of a puppy. He said he can’t stop himself from smiling. I smiled too. “I missed that smile” I told myself. He asked how I did. I responded with the ever- famous-cliché, “I’m fine” And then we talked. A lot. We didn’t even take notice of the time. He explained to me about the issue about him being with his girlfriend while we were dating. He told me none of it was true. None ever was. The girl just hasn’t got over him so she set up issues to make herself be talked about. To get attention -My attention.

He asked me if I believed a single thing he said. I shrugged my shoulders. He got the idea. He explained further. He told me that if they were true, he wouldn’t be there sitting and explaining himself to me, asking for another chance. I said, “I don’t know.”

I told him I’ve had enough. I don’t want to talk to him ever again. He was dumbfounded. That curve in the sides of his mouth slowly faded away. I was saddened by this. A part of me already believed his story about the girl, but I don’t have any reasons left to get away from him. I stuck my facade. I tried my very best to look unconvinced so he would believe that I did not believe him. And then I said the words again. “I don’t want to talk to you again. Please don’t speak to me anymore.” There are exchanges of words, explanations, on why do I have to let him go.

“I can’t do this, is there any other way than this? We can be friends and then move on in the process.”He said.

I answered, “There is no such thing as that. We’ll just get hurt. We’ll be friends and then what, we’ll send mixed messages to each other, making ourselves believe what we hoped for to happen and then we will be disappointed in the end.”

“You’re being unfair. You will move on. And you’ll leave me with this, that doesn’t mean that I get to move on as fast as you will.” He explained.

I was silent. I was struck with his words. I never thought that he could get this solemn. I never thought that he felt that way for me. He tried holding my hand; I pulled back, fighting the command of my brain to hold his. And once again, I was heartbroken.

In the end he told me, “Just remember this, I won’t stop in caring and loving you. Maybe there will just come to a point that I will get tired. And then that’s the only time that I will move on.” I felt like crying hearing the words‘move on’. But hey, that’s what I wanted to happen, right? That is the purpose of this conversation. To end things. So I said, “okay” and I saw his face look below. It’s like he hid his face from me. Maybe for me to not see how devastated he was.

“I have to go” he said, "I have to get back to practice." I nodded. He faced up with a face so depressing and sad. He asked me to take care, every time. Giving emphasis to each and every word. I nodded again. And he stood up, I didn’t watch him go away. It pains me. Another one I sent off of my life. I was terrible. Why do I have to send people away from my life?

And I did not feel like bursting into tears.
Not yet.