A Bitter, I mean BETTER Sight

Saturday.

My friends and I went to Alabang Town Center to go play at Laser Extreme. It’s similar to paintball but instead of paint in a gun, the gun shoots laser beams to other opponents. You are also equipped with a vest full of colorful lasers which determine what team you’re on. There are points that you can achieve when you shoot in the parts of the vest. The highest point that you can have is on the shoulder part, I think. I didn’t really pay attention during the instructions because I was so excited to play. :D we are eleven in total and we decided to go teams. Girls versus boys.  Our color was pink and theirs was blue. It was so fun! 

For a moment there I forgot what I have gone through, it felt like I am anew.  While we were walking around the mall, C texted me, he asked why am I not responding to any of his messages. I asked one of my friends about it. She got mad, well not mad. ;) She told me that’s the annoying part, you are having fun and then the person texts you, then suddenly all you can think about now is that person and the message. A fun-spoiler. I analyzed myself if I really were bothered by the message. Guess what? I wasn’t. In fact he doesn’t sneak in to my mind from time to time now. I do not think of him and be saddened by seeing his face in my mind. Maybe I am better now.  Healthier in one way or another.  Maybe the emotional downpour I did the other night was all I need to release these stress inside of me. Maybe I cried because there are just so many thoughts in my mind that I could not handle anymore. And maybe I just felt bad of what happened and what I did that’s why I was that emotional. My feelings towards him? It suddenly changed. Now I was thankful of myself for what I did. 

I guess I am really better. Not just an effort of myself. But also of my friends who were always been there for me. When I have dilemmas they are just one message away. They helped me cope up with my episodes of anxiety and made me feel I was recovered, even if I wasn’t yet. They made me look things in a different way. They made me possess a better sight in life.

 

Now, I want to share my accomplishment with them and perhaps it’s my turn to be the one who would offer a hand for them to stand up, than being the one who waits to be pulled up. I’ll make it certain that our friendship will last for as long as we needed it. 

I Love You FRIENDS! Thank You! ;)

License to Drama

Day I’m writing about: the evening after the “meet-up”

Random people ask, “How do you know when you’re in love?” We get the usual response, like; you are in love when you think about that person every now and then and when your day is not complete without him in it, or without seeing him.  You are in love when you cannot sleep soundly anymore at night, imagining things you do with him while you lull yourself to sleep – hoping that will send you to sleep? Sure we know that’s not going to work, right? And then, you’ll finally be able to sleep but then the moment you wake up, there you are again, thinking of THAT person. Years ago I read from reader’s digest that you can differentiate Love from crush when you think about the person and after four months, you still feel the same way with him. Do you believe it?

Love is a very powerful word.

Love Kills. If you do not know how to handle it, it might harm you.

I got home. I’ve seen the usual; my dog welcoming me at the front porch as usual, Mom saying “Hi” as she watched TV in the living room, dinner is served at the dining table and my sister with her laptop. Everything felt normal. Well, not EVERYTHING.

I climbed the stairs up to my room and locked the door. I turned on the TV as I changed clothes. I was about to go out as I remembered a particular scene. A scene earlier that day. It was so vivid I could swear it was afternoon again. And then I saw him, I saw US. I told him I don’t want to talk to him anymore, and him? I could not fathom his face. Sad? Angry? Or maybe worried?  One thing I remembered for sure, I sent him away. I told him not to come back. Not again.

Then came a familiar feeling, but now I cannot suppress it anymore. I felt a knot in my throat, getting bigger as the seconds passed. I felt my face became warm and flushed. That’s when I realized I was crying. I locked the door again and I jumped to my bed, letting my face crash on the pillow. I can’t fight back the tears; they are streaming down my face like that of a faucet. I admit it. I was hurt. My decision I gave to him? That’s not what I really wanted. I still LOVE him. I remembered myself pulling my hand away as he tried to hold it, Am I really that hard? My friend once told me that I was good at fighting emotions. I didn’t get her that time but now I can see it. I really am. And I don’t even know if that’s a good thing or not.

In the middle of my anarchy, I received a message from a familiar number. I knew already it was him. He texted, “This is so hard, why do we have to separate? It’s hard for me because I do not know what to do and where to get started. I know I said that it’s alright for me to get hurt. Its okay, you don’t have to reply to this message, I know I will someday move on.” It made me think that it’s not only me who’s uncomfortable that night.

I fought myself not to reply to his message and yes, I made it through the night without responding to him. I just told myself that all I’m doing is also for my own good. I don’t want to get hurt again so it will all pay out in the end.

And finally I fell asleep.

Impasse

I ended things with C. We agreed to meet at school after exams. I came first to our agreed place with my friends. I was so nervous that I had flight of thoughts about the upcoming meet up. He was so late, because he’s at practice that time. good thing I was with my friends then that I was kept amused by them. But my heart wasn’t. It beated so loud I can feel my pulse in my ears. I thought I would be deaf.

And then he came. The face I never thought I would see again. The face I never thought I would stare at again. I studied him. He changed a lot, physically. even he admitted it. And then I studied myself. The pulse. It was gone! Not that I am dead though, because if that is so, you wouldn’t be reading this blog entry by now. ;) I mean the pulse slowed and became nonviolent, serene. And seeing him was the reason behind that?

My friends left the table and transferred somewhere else, but not too far. They made sure that we are in their field of vision. This made things awkward, knowing they are just tables away from me and that I knew they will be reading my lips in hopes of gathering what already the subject matter is about. I knew that they will be good at it.

He sat across me, calculated my eyes as I stare at him. First thing he did? He smiled. Just smiled. Like that of a puppy. He said he can’t stop himself from smiling. I smiled too. “I missed that smile” I told myself. He asked how I did. I responded with the ever- famous-cliché, “I’m fine” And then we talked. A lot. We didn’t even take notice of the time. He explained to me about the issue about him being with his girlfriend while we were dating. He told me none of it was true. None ever was. The girl just hasn’t got over him so she set up issues to make herself be talked about. To get attention -My attention.

He asked me if I believed a single thing he said. I shrugged my shoulders. He got the idea. He explained further. He told me that if they were true, he wouldn’t be there sitting and explaining himself to me, asking for another chance. I said, “I don’t know.”

I told him I’ve had enough. I don’t want to talk to him ever again. He was dumbfounded. That curve in the sides of his mouth slowly faded away. I was saddened by this. A part of me already believed his story about the girl, but I don’t have any reasons left to get away from him. I stuck my facade. I tried my very best to look unconvinced so he would believe that I did not believe him. And then I said the words again. “I don’t want to talk to you again. Please don’t speak to me anymore.” There are exchanges of words, explanations, on why do I have to let him go.

“I can’t do this, is there any other way than this? We can be friends and then move on in the process.”He said.

I answered, “There is no such thing as that. We’ll just get hurt. We’ll be friends and then what, we’ll send mixed messages to each other, making ourselves believe what we hoped for to happen and then we will be disappointed in the end.”

“You’re being unfair. You will move on. And you’ll leave me with this, that doesn’t mean that I get to move on as fast as you will.” He explained.

I was silent. I was struck with his words. I never thought that he could get this solemn. I never thought that he felt that way for me. He tried holding my hand; I pulled back, fighting the command of my brain to hold his. And once again, I was heartbroken.

In the end he told me, “Just remember this, I won’t stop in caring and loving you. Maybe there will just come to a point that I will get tired. And then that’s the only time that I will move on.” I felt like crying hearing the words‘move on’. But hey, that’s what I wanted to happen, right? That is the purpose of this conversation. To end things. So I said, “okay” and I saw his face look below. It’s like he hid his face from me. Maybe for me to not see how devastated he was.

“I have to go” he said, "I have to get back to practice." I nodded. He faced up with a face so depressing and sad. He asked me to take care, every time. Giving emphasis to each and every word. I nodded again. And he stood up, I didn’t watch him go away. It pains me. Another one I sent off of my life. I was terrible. Why do I have to send people away from my life?

And I did not feel like bursting into tears.
Not yet.

An Exception To The Annoying Rule

I have never been like this before, with a guy that I just met. I used to have these standards when it comes to men. And usually they are being met. When it came to C, it seemed like all those standards were put into garbage. I was like, I love him. So what? A friend once told me that when you set up rules and there’s this one person that is off the hook, HE is special. 


An exception to the rule.

So C started texting me in times I least expected. I told him not to because I would very much like to move on and get over him. He obeyed. I never told him that I knew about his girlfriend thing already. But my mind was battling with my heart. There are times that I will type messages on my phone for him but later will be deleted because I was stopping myself. I was crazy. I became bitter. I thought for a moment there that one thing to end what I was feeling was to concentrate and think all about his wrong doings and overlook and forget the good memories. You know what? I was very good at it. Especially the bitter part ;) 

Your Sugar Sweet Lies

I found out that he’s been with her girlfriend all this time while we were dating. I didn’t mind asking him about it because I thought that I would just be wasting my time. And I was right. He said that all of it weren’t true and that he is only friends with the girl. I was like, bullshit! You are friends with someone when she calls you with a pet name? You are friends with someone whom will tell you she loves you? And that you are friends with someone who greets you a “Happy 36 month anniversary?”  And yeah, He denies it every time he is confronted about it.

The thought of thinking about “the day” made my stomach turn and curse every little thing that happened.

And I thought all we had was real.

It was a massive slap in the face, knowing that every time you are with him, there is someone waiting for him to get back and I don’t even know if the other one even had an idea of me. I was frustrated and disappointed of him.

Good thing I was already out of his bounds and that I declared to myself not to communicate with him anymore. It was HARD. Seeing him every after class, hearing people talk about him within your hearing,  Forcing you not to think of him at least is just as hard. I tried deleting his number, although I knew them by heart. I thought I was going to give up, and knowing he’s just one message away might have been my first notion. But I did not let my feelings lay me up. I was headstrong. Determined. And stubborn, in a positive way.

I deserved better. 

It's A Love Story.

Summer. I met him at school in one of our classes. He was all right. Many of my classmates fell for him right at day one, I didn’t seem to get what they saw with that guy, “He resembled the face of this really cute movie actor!” says one of my classmates. I didn't saw the resemblance but anyway, it’s their idea, not mine. ;)   The semester ended and our class decided to organize an outing. Many plans have made and have been decided to take place on a resort somewhere in Cavite. Majority of the class joined. Including me.

I didn’t know he was there. My classmates/friends were talking about him joining and that it was their time to finally get to know that guy. The day of the trip all went well. We enjoyed the food, the spot and the shenanigans and troubles we have gotten into. :) the day ended, we finally got home then suddenly my friend texted me If C (yes, we can call him C from now on. :D) can get my number. I said yes why not. Then came along a lot of messages and calls, you can include online chats also. We saw each other when we had free time, which happened most of the time.  And there, He got me. I started feeling something in the pit of my stomach, fluttering. Butterflies? I pushed the thought at the back of my head at once but no, it is true. I was in love. Again. After many years I have never  felt this kind of feeling. Maybe I had that same year but the feeling was never reciprocated. But this time it was, with him. But I never admitted to him what I was feeling about him. Ever.   We made it official, we started dating. We had many obstacles along the way. Facing them were not easy. Most made me gave up at first but we tried to resolve them, “What’s important is that we love each other” He says.

And indeed WE LOVED each other, or that’s what I have believed. After a month things were not as smooth sailing as it was. We  fought over petty things, having us realized that maybe we were coupled  to soon. That we haven’t seen yet the flaws of each other before we've been committed to our relationship. True. I was not mature, nor was he. The canoe did not sail along with the water current anymore. We ended things. Ours just lasted over a month. Just one month! I know, right? Don’t laugh, I did too.  I told myself it was too short to be caught upon and be incapacitated, right?

 I was wrong.

The Snipper

Cutting off a relationship is much like cutting a page in two. There’s no reason of the processes needs to be complicated—a few quick snaps and you’re done. But things don’t always work out easily in real life. It could be simple clumsiness born of haste, but often there’s more to it than that. Sometimes making a clean cut just doesn’t seem to suit the situation. Sometimes we like to get creative, to express the way we really feel.

In the past I ended MANY relationships. I was the one who was always the ender :). When I end it, I really did, without hand wringing, regrets or remorse. This stems from my belief that clean cuts are the most painless and heal without leaving scars, a surgical principle I apply with cold, objective precision in all realms of my life.

So why the hell am I writing about this end-relationship drama anyway? Perhaps I needed a prologue to my future steadfast readers of what I was then, and what I am now.